You’re so fat. Do you think by eating that, it’ll get you looking like the other girls at school? Psh, you’re disgusting. I close my eyes and ignore those voices in my mind.
I secure my hands over my head by preventing any more thoughts coming through. This voice never goes away, and the more it speaks, the more I hate myself each time. I torture myself everytime I look into the mirror, I break down in tears until my body shuts down. It’s getting worse every day, and the worse it gets the harder it gets to overcome. All the girl at my school, on the magazines and tv shows, are all so beautiful, charming.
I love that you could see their hip bones with flat stomachs and their thighs never touched. I wanted that so anxiously and I would do anything for it.I walk over carelessly to the mirror in the garage with a scale, I began to step on with a horrific look on my face terrified if I had gained any weight. I don’t dare look in the mirror behind me taunting me and pointing out everything I’ve hated so long about myself already. I was terrified to see what that number has stored for me. As I look down, I feel sick to my stomach. Look at that number, you look bigger than you were this morning. Was that breakfast worth it? A stream of tears was running down my face, I felt so disgusted.
I had gained 2 pounds; I was now at 126. If only as much as you cry, you could shed off pounds. Haven’t you been listening to me? STOP EATING. You’ll be so much more happier.I had to give what that voice desperately needed me to do. So I gave it what it wanted. I needed to stop eating.
No matter how long, or what it takes, I WILL be skinny. I hang out with a couple friends in the cafeteria at my school, Nancy, Maryanne, and Olivia. “Aren’t you going to eat?”, Nancy asked. I replied to her in a polite manner saying “I ate a big breakfast,” knowing I told white lies.
“I’ll eat when I get home”The more I had lied, the easier it felt and more comfortable I got with the situation. This has been going on for months now, and frankly, by now, I don’t even care. I absolutely hate the thought of eating because I accepted the fact that I AM fat and pathetic. I decided to jog home from school that day, It was extremely hot but I didn’t care. I needed to burn off the energy I had by sitting all day in a class. I saw Olivia getting books from the library as I was walking to the bathrooms to change and she stopped me before I could escape my way out. “Is everything okay?,” I desperately needed a shoulder to cry on, but I promised I would not give up now. I shrugged.
“You know you can talk to me, right?”, I proceed to say, “No, yeah I know. It’s just been that I have had these -“, then suddenly Olivia’s boyfriend called her name across the walkway. She gave me a swift hug saying, “I’ll see you tomorrow!”,”Thoughts…” as I tried finishing what I started. She then hasten off, quickly after I heard her laughing hysterically with her loving boyfriend.Maybe if you were as skinny and beautiful as her, you’d be just as happy and you’ll have people who would actually care about you.
I hurried all the way home as fast as I could. I faintly opened the front door to my house and vaguely heard a voice from a distance, it was my mother talking and laughing to some friends of hers. “Abigail, is that you?”, “Yes mother.”, “Make sure you close the gate, you always let the flies in”, hurrying my way past the stairs to my room. “Ok mom, I’m going to be in my room, I have a big test tomorrow!” I made it past the hallway, up the stairs, and to my room, I couldn’t think at all besides the fact that maybe, nobody does care about me. Nobody notices you. You’re a FAT, PATHETIC. nobody.
The Next Day”Hustle up, run 5 laps around the field. Walkers will do an extra lap so no slacking!”, I loved running so much, I was on the cross country team when I was a freshman and as a Sophomore In high school, which was 2 years ago. Running made me feel free from my mind, escape my life for a little while. On my first lap, I dashed for it! I was concentrating on my breathing, my arms swinging back and forth beside me with my fist clenched..Run faster! You need to look stronger than others think.My legs were starting to ache and my back started to hunch over from being fatigued, and weariness from not eating and having no fuel to my body.
I began to slow down rapidly on my last lap. Running was the only thing you were good at and now you screwed that over too.Dizziness started to cloud over me, my legs start to feel numb and my vision got remarkably blurry. Suddenly, I black out.
I open my eyes. I’m in a small bright room filled with white lights that are starting to hurt my eyes are i squint. Im connected to many machines and that’s when I started to realize that i’m in the hospital. I look around, trying to see if I see someone I know. I spotted my mom instantly on the spot, “Oh my god, baby,” my mother days smiling with several tears streaming down her face. The tone in my mother’s voice broke my heart. Suddenly, everything comes back to me and I remember what happened.
“How long have I been here, and you?” I ask. The way she looked at me makes me feel so much better about myself once in my life, I feel a little happy. “I’ve been here since you got here and that’s about 2 and a half hours.””Oh” I said. After the hospital”Can I ask you something?” my mom asks, “Do you remember I told you about my aunt, Karen that died when I was in 10th grade? People started bullying her and she never felt good enough to herself. People often called her fat and said she’ll never be loved by a man because she wasn’t thin enough.” I nod as my mom continues.
“She started eating less and exercising more, which called her to lose a significant amount of weight, but she still never felt good enough. She went from 136 to 87 pounds. She was way too thin, but she still thought she was fat. One day I walked home from school and saw her on the floor shaking to death. I called for an ambulance and she ended up okay. I talked with her about getting help, but she refused.
Shortly after that, no matter what we had already lost her before she was gone.”She tries to continue, but my mom couldn’t believe this is happening to her baby girl. I put my arms around her comforting her telling “Everything will be okay..” I hug her so close, and she hugs me tighter. “I loved my Karen and i miss her so much, I don’t want the same thing to happen to you””Mom”, as we both wrap our arms around each other in silence but the own sound of our sobbing.